Momento Mori

I’ve been thinking about my own death more and more lately.

If you look at old art you will often see scenes with a person holding and contemplating a skull. Momento mori. The Latin phrase “momento mori” literally means “remember that you must die”. This saying was not necessarily meant to be morbid. It was meant to ground the person and have them think of the true meaning of their life, and to understand that life is short and eternity is forever.

Life can change quickly.

Shortly after the new year (2023) I was diagnosed with a serious autoimmune condition which damaged my kidneys. I’ve been on three-hour dialysis treatments three times per week since. Prior to that, I’ve had my fair share of health issues. For the past 40 plus years I have battled autoimmune disease that has affected my liver. This year has been one of the most challenging. I’ve been in and out of the hospital for various reasons and I’ve lost track of how many days I’ve spent in both hospital or rehab. Setbacks included pancreatitis, blood infections, gallbladder issues, a compression fracture in my back, and near coma status on three separate occasions. I have not taken steps without a walker for most of this year.

Again, life can change quickly.

Due to other medical issues, I’m not currently a candidate for a liver/kidney transplant. However, I am alive and blessed. And, living with all these challenges makes you really think about life and what’s truly important. Now don’t get me wrong: I could live another three days or three decades. I really just don’t know. None of us do.

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.

CS Lewis

My faith has been tested along with my mind and physical body. I’m a Roman Catholic Christian and faith is very important to me. I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins and rescued – rescued! – me from death so that I may be united with him in heaven someday. Once I was convinced of this fact I knew that I would have to make a commitment to Him and live my life for Him. Death has no stronghold over me. It has lost a lot of its sting. To live for Him doesn’t mean I will have to go off and join a monastery and become a monk. My vocation is to do information security. However, it does mean I don’t know the future. CS Lewis once said, “Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.” I do know that God needs to come first in my life and everything else must be secondary. Do I always do this well? No way. But I try, and ask for forgiveness when I fail. 

My hope throughout this journey and moving forward is that I don’t lose my joy. Now joy does not mean you always have a happy face. Make no mistake – I’ve cried out to God and even at some points questioned whether He abandoned me or whether He even existed. However, through it all I’ve tried to maintain my joy whether that’s making jokes with the nurses or having a positive attitude when things aren’t going well. It’s not easy to be joyful when you can’t even wipe your own butt. You gain humility when you are using a walker and unable to cook your own meal. Cooking is a hobby of mine, but it’s not something I have the stamina to do just yet.

Through it all I am still so blessed and grateful. I have many friends and relatives who will drop anything to visit and assist me. I’ve been lifted up in prayer by countless people from all over the country if not the world. I still have the hope and expectation for a miracle that will make me well again, but even if it doesn’t happen this side of heaven, I know that I’m in this world but not of this world. Through it all I want to say “it is well with my soul”. And, this is what pushes me to maintain my joy even when things are hard.

When tragedy hits our lives, isn’t it funny that we immediately forget all our smaller concerns? Our possessions, income, and careers suddenly seem so unimportant. Then, things get back to “normal” and the regular concerns of life take over again. Folks, I want to tell you that the smaller things in life having seemingly little importance is the normal way we need to think. I heard recently that the word “priority” was never meant to be plural. Nowadays we have so many priorities to juggle. But God needs to be our one priority and everything else will fall into place. As I continue my journey, whatever it holds, I seek to make Him my priority.

Thank you for reading this personal note about what I’ve been going through. I pray it causes you to pause and reflect on what is truly important. We will be back with more security economics and the Undercover CISO soon, so please continue to watch this space!